Aidan Shaw vs. Homer Simpson: Decoding Online Profiles

“Fun-loving, laid-back male seeks a career-driven sweetheart; preferably someone who waltzes through life with happy disposition, and who happens to love cuddling on the couch just as much as a night out on the town. Must love kids and be family-oriented.”

That may be what the profile says, but anyone who has tried online dating before will quickly learn to decode its true meaning.

“Fun-loving, laid-back individual” ala Aidan Shaw on Sex and the City?

Could be possible. Highly unrealistic.

Most likely it means an “adult who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility – especially if it means removing self from couch.”

He says he’s looking for a “career-driven sweetheart who waltzes through life with a smile?”

What he probably means is “someone to bring home the bacon – ALL or MOST of the bacon at least - and not complain about it at the end of the day.” But you know “career-driven sweetheart” gets the point across, more or less, right?

Oh and anyone who responds to the ad better have interests which include snoozin’ on the couch to reruns of Everybody Love Raymond, because that will happen more often than going out for a fancy dinner or dancing. Besides, “night out on the town” usually translates into “grabbin’ a beer with the boys.”

“Boys” meaning you usually aren’t included. After all, you’ll have kids to care for.

His kids.

That’s right, “must love kids” is really code for single father, which isn’t always a bad thing, but can definitely throw a curveball into your Prince Charming dreams, especially if Prince Charming already has a pissed off baby momma locked up in a dungeon somewhere.

After all, in today’s online world, Prince Charming comes with baggage, and lots of it. That baggage, luckily, is named. You may call them unwanted visitors/moderators, he lovingly calls them “Mom and Dad.” Then again, that’s because he’s used to having them around…

Since chances are he still lives with them. Nothing like a hookup in the guest room of Mr. and Mrs. Livingston’s home… or in Livingston Jr.’s old/current bedroom with the same décor that he had two decades ago. (Luckily, there’s something about the early 80’s that just never goes out of style.)

But what happens if you can get past Ma and Pa Livingston and the 80’s paraphernalia? What if you do love children, relationship curveballs and beer bellies? Maybe passing out to the sound of over-played sitcoms amongst the smell of bacon is your dream scenario… literally.

At the end of the day though, as you curl up in your trailer and watch the credits of Raymond roll, what do you have left to talk about? What is there to say to someone once the bag of Cheetos is empty and the defending silence fills the air?

Nothing, if you have no foundation of similar interests.

Channel flicking becomes a lot more difficult, take-out is too much of a hassle with different taste buds to consider, and don’t even get started on sporting debates. Mets vs. Yankees disagreements can cause bloodshed and tears between the best of friends – let alone lovers.

Sure, we all want basically the same things out of a relationship. No one wants a cheating bastard or someone completely who ignores us, obviously.

But what about the day-to-day details that are the foundation of a relationship? The things you talk about over that first date, that first family dinner, the first early-morning conversation after an amazing night of drunk dancing and making out?

What is left when silence fills the air, if you have nothing in common?

Since what you like matters a lot – shouldn’t that be something you consider when you’re looking for a partner? And shouldn’t that be when you finally consider some other options?