Internal Debate... Bachelor Style

The Bachelor finale aired last night. Yawn.

I don't watch it anymore (though my dad does ironically enough) but I guess on the finale of Season #242 - the dude walked away without choosing either lovely lady. He kept the rose and sent them both packing.

Which causes me to have an internal debate about whether or not I admire him - or think he's an ass. Granted, these are my opinions on just the brief things I've read about the finale, since I stopped watching the show somewhere around Season 4. It just feels like Groundhog Day to me, you know? The same, same stuff over and over and over again... good lookin', shallow guy in front of two dozen or so blond haired bimbos. But maybe thats just me being bitter.

I'll go back to watching the Bachelor when he's a Tom Hanksesque man - someone handsome enough, but with such character and humor you're instantly charmed by him. I'll go back to watching when the bachelor is actually choosing between REAL women. And by "real" women, I want at least a few cute, chubby girls thrown in the mix. Ones with GREAT personalities. And brown hair. Blue eyes.

Not that I'm describing myself or anything... but I digress.

Either way, when I heard about the finale, the selfish part of me said, "What an asshole. Brad Womack had HOW many women and he couldn't even commit to dating one past the show? Weeks of build up (for all five people who still watch the show) all for... nothing?"

Then part of thinks, "Damn. That takes balls. Could you imagine going through all that time with these women, realizing they aren't for you... and then realizing you had a choice to make, and it was probably not going to be an embraced one by audience members?"

How many times do we date people we are unsure of, yet don't want to let go of because we are hoping that some kind of missing connection suddenly appears? How long do we hold on for something, just because it is expected to be there? How often do our friends and family's watchful eyes influence how we handle a relationship, just because we're not willing to admit it didn't quite work out the way we had hoped it would.

Granted, Brad Womack was STUPID for doing it on national television --
But I think, deep down, I wish I was able to take a hint from my heart as well.

Can't I Just Wear Flip Flops?

I'm heartbroken. So truly, truly heartbroken by the love of my life.

My flip flops. I just love my flip flops. All 25 pairs of them.

As a Pittsburgh girl who went to the University of Arizona for four years, I realized how truly amazing they were in ways I had never understood before. Honestly, if I could find a relationship as comfortable as flip flops, I'd have no problem committing. So dependable. So colorful. So cheap.

Everything you'd want in a relationship.


But I am no longer living in the desert year round anymore. And sometimes, in Pittsburgh, it gets too cold to wear them outside. Starting about a month ago and lasting for the next, oh, eight months or so. Roughly. Til then, my flip flops will hang in my closet in their sacred shoe-holder until the rays of Pittsburgh sun finally breaks through and I can find relief again.

Which leaves me time to wonder - all of those times I wore flip flops on a date, was I just being hypocritical? If a guy showed up wearing flip flops, I might assume he wasn't trying. Then again, I guess it depends on the situation I'm in. I can't expect him to not want to be himself, just as I wouldn't want someone to alter my identity.

Yet, I hardly want his nasty feet making an appearance at a formal. It probably just comes down to the basic idea that...

Nicer-than-average dinner + Guy in Flip Flops = Negative.
Hot Summer Day Mini Golf Game + Guy in Flip Flops = Positive

However, I want a "Get Out of Jail" free card.

Which allows me to wear flip flops to business meetings.
But that's just me.

Did I Sign Up For Video Games?

There we were. Playing video games.

And by "we" I mean him. I drove 40 minutes to watch him play the same video game he has played (and beaten) so many countless times. Forty minutes to watch something I could care less about.

Maybe I'm the ridiculous one. We did hang out and talk earlier, we did watch a movie, we did eventually go and get dinner. He only probably played the game for about 45 minutes. But still. Video games? On a date? Is it just me?

Common interests are so important, it can't be stressed enough. I know there's the whole "opposites attract" theory and maybe I'm just being picky... but I don't think the one night you've gotten to see me all week classifies as a good time to pick up the controller and go to war against evil terrorists in your favorite virtual world.

Then again, guns are part of his obsession. Another common interest I don't share.

But how much does it really matter? Part of me keeps hoping it doesn't, but part of me knows better.

I guess the question I'm asking -- is how different is too different?

Guess it depends on the differences and the people willing to look (or not look) past them.

The Dating Perspective

Woman: Ohmygod. This date is going so well. SO ridiculously well.

He's laughing. I'm laughing. He looks so cute.

I wish I wasn't so chubby, but thats okay! He'll get past it. I have a great personality, right? That's what my therapist keeps telling me anyway. I am making him laugh. Men like women who can make them laugh. This is going swimmingly. I feel like Nemo! Swimming along in my little date... swimming, swimming, swimming - laughing, laughing, laughing.

I wonder how long before I can get to the bathroom. I want to check my teeth. I hope I don't have something stuck in them. God. That would be so embarrassing! And the last thing I want is for him to laugh at me instead of with me...

But I'm pretty sure he's laughing WITH me! Cause I'm laughing too! HAHAHA!

AHHH I can't wait to text my five best friends and tell them how well this is going! Gosh. I wonder what we're going to do on our second date. You know, in a couple weeks, my family will all be in town - they would just LOVE him! He's so cute and well mannered. He has a good job, his car is freaking AWESOME. We'd look so cute together driving down the road with his top down. Laughing. I'm sure we'd be laughing! Laughing all the way down Skyline Drive in California...

It would be so fun to take a road trip with him. To spend so many countless hours just talking and laughing like we are right now. Oh the pictures would be so cute too! I could put them in their own special album on Myspace. AND on Facebook. I want everyone to see how cute and happy we are.

Especially Michelle Greenfield.

God, that bitch. That bitch and her ugly boyfriend. I'm sick of her thinking she's so amazing -- I'm sure she'll feel less amazing when he realizes my boyfriend's WAY hotter than her boyfriend. And a lawyer. Okay, granted, he's just THINKING about applying for law school right now but soon enough I'll be the wife of a lawyer!

Kaylee and Nathan will be so happy in their private school too. They'll be the most perfect children... I'm sure they'll just be the cutest combination of me and their father. God, he'll make such a great father too. Just look at him! That's father material right there.

We're going to look like we're plucked straight out of a suburban sitcom. The Robinsons. Yep - we're going to be THAT family. That perfect family that will finally prove to my mother and my sister and my extended family that I CAN find a decent man to settle down with me. And one who thinks I'm funny to boot! And rich. God, we're going to be so rich.

Rich financially and rich in love. Rich in bed too... I bet he's great in bed. How could he not be?!

Sigh. This has been the perfect first date. Just PERFECT.

Oh he's dropping me off right now. Such a gentleman, dropping me off. I'll hang in the car for a bit, I'm sure he's too nervous to kiss me, trying to keep up his gentleman persona and all.

Aww, look, he keeps looking at his hands. Out the window. The steering wheel. Anywhere but at my face. He's shy. I think I love him even more now! Shy boys are so endearing.

Well. Maybe he's not that type. That type to kiss on the first date. Even better. He wants our first kiss to really MEAN something. He knows I'll mean something, so he doesn't want to screw it up! Thats even sweeter and even more endearing. Honestly. He's going to make such a good father. Thats all I keep thinking.

I'm going to walk really slow so I don't trip now. I want him to watch me walk way, he needs to think about how much he wishes he would have kissed me before I disappear into my house...

Oh. He's gone already.

Maybe he was so embarrassed he didn't have enough balls to kiss me that he needed to leave as quickly as possible. Maybe he was too excited about telling his best friend that he's just met his soulmate (ME! His future wife!) that he had to get out of sight so he could call. He probably needs support. I need support.

I hope he calls. I can't wait for him to call. Is it too soon to call tonight? How about texting? Does that count? I'll just get online and wait for him. Maybe he'll get online when he gets home to tell me how much fun he had. God, we had fun. All that laughing. Can't wait for more laughing!

(3 hours later)

Guess he's not getting online tonight. Maybe he's busy dreaming of me!

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Guy (as he's cracking open his beer at home): God. Thank GOD that's over. I hate dates where you can just tell from the start there's no connection. Glad I could tell she at least realized it wasn't going to work out either.

How-To Guides of Dating

Dating for Dummies? Absolute Beginners Guide to Online Dating? How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You?

...Are you kidding me?

How about - jumping out there. Trying to swim. What is the worst thing that could happen at the end of the day? You'll be alone? You'll die? You'll be bored? You'll meet someone? You'll have a good laugh and maybe a good dinner? Maybe a really great trip to the zoo to see the polar bears? (Come on, go on the date, even if it's just to see the polar bears!)

All of these books are nothing but people trying to make money off of those who need to just... focus on working towards something. It's similar to those who study and study and study for a test they'll never take. What's the point of all that studying if you're just never going to take the test? Sure you might fail, but what a waste of time if you don't even attempt.

I was looking at the first page of "Dating for Dummies" and this quote hit me right off the bat. And it was on the very first page:

"You, and you alone, are the beginning of any dating experience."

Which means, you should start with the one thing you DO understand... yourself.

You know what you like, what makes you laugh, when makes you cry. You know you can't stand the Yankees and live for movies with Tom Hanks. If you understand nothing at all - you understand yourself. And that Harry Potter movies were ridiculously overrated.

Starting with you is the only thing you need to figure out dating. The rest should stem from there... but it can't stem anywhere if you don't allow yourself room to grow.

You've Got... An Online Opportunity

I absolutely, head-over-heels, loved the 1998 movie "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Go ahead and judge me if you will, but it had every single deliciously delightful chick movie characteristic my 14-year-old self could handle at the time -- including Tom Hanks. I still watch it and get that tingly feeling inside, wishing life could be as adventurous as the one existing for the characters of Hanks and Ryan.

According to Wikipedia, "You've Got Mail" is a remake of the 1940's The Shop Around the Corner, "in which two letter-writing lovers are completely unaware that their sweetheart is in fact the co-worker with whom they share a certain degree of animosity." Throw that script into the 90's and you have an online love connection, instead of passion being put from pen to paper.

However, that movie was made ten years ago. And to tell you the truth, it was my first introduction to the idea of online dating.... and in ten years it still seems somewhat taboo. There are still some people I am not completely comfortable admitting to that I've dated people I met online. And in today's society, a decade after the You've Got Mail for Pete's sake, why shouldn't I be able to? Especially since, when you think about it, online dating allows you to at least tell right away whether or not you have a single thing in common with someone. And it allows you to become more comfortable with the dating scene, if you tend to detest dating.

The more you try, the more you learn, right?

Tom and Meg, they made it look so easy (you know, except for that whole 'adoring each other online/loathing each other in real life scenario - but you get the idea). They just mentioned to their friends that they met someone "online" and it was hardly the awkward scandal it can be, depending on who you tell.

And good ol' Tom and Meg, they were able to end up together a decade ago... why should someone still be hesitant to try it today?

Aidan Shaw vs. Homer Simpson: Decoding Online Profiles

“Fun-loving, laid-back male seeks a career-driven sweetheart; preferably someone who waltzes through life with happy disposition, and who happens to love cuddling on the couch just as much as a night out on the town. Must love kids and be family-oriented.”

That may be what the profile says, but anyone who has tried online dating before will quickly learn to decode its true meaning.

“Fun-loving, laid-back individual” ala Aidan Shaw on Sex and the City?

Could be possible. Highly unrealistic.

Most likely it means an “adult who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility – especially if it means removing self from couch.”

He says he’s looking for a “career-driven sweetheart who waltzes through life with a smile?”

What he probably means is “someone to bring home the bacon – ALL or MOST of the bacon at least - and not complain about it at the end of the day.” But you know “career-driven sweetheart” gets the point across, more or less, right?

Oh and anyone who responds to the ad better have interests which include snoozin’ on the couch to reruns of Everybody Love Raymond, because that will happen more often than going out for a fancy dinner or dancing. Besides, “night out on the town” usually translates into “grabbin’ a beer with the boys.”

“Boys” meaning you usually aren’t included. After all, you’ll have kids to care for.

His kids.

That’s right, “must love kids” is really code for single father, which isn’t always a bad thing, but can definitely throw a curveball into your Prince Charming dreams, especially if Prince Charming already has a pissed off baby momma locked up in a dungeon somewhere.

After all, in today’s online world, Prince Charming comes with baggage, and lots of it. That baggage, luckily, is named. You may call them unwanted visitors/moderators, he lovingly calls them “Mom and Dad.” Then again, that’s because he’s used to having them around…

Since chances are he still lives with them. Nothing like a hookup in the guest room of Mr. and Mrs. Livingston’s home… or in Livingston Jr.’s old/current bedroom with the same décor that he had two decades ago. (Luckily, there’s something about the early 80’s that just never goes out of style.)

But what happens if you can get past Ma and Pa Livingston and the 80’s paraphernalia? What if you do love children, relationship curveballs and beer bellies? Maybe passing out to the sound of over-played sitcoms amongst the smell of bacon is your dream scenario… literally.

At the end of the day though, as you curl up in your trailer and watch the credits of Raymond roll, what do you have left to talk about? What is there to say to someone once the bag of Cheetos is empty and the defending silence fills the air?

Nothing, if you have no foundation of similar interests.

Channel flicking becomes a lot more difficult, take-out is too much of a hassle with different taste buds to consider, and don’t even get started on sporting debates. Mets vs. Yankees disagreements can cause bloodshed and tears between the best of friends – let alone lovers.

Sure, we all want basically the same things out of a relationship. No one wants a cheating bastard or someone completely who ignores us, obviously.

But what about the day-to-day details that are the foundation of a relationship? The things you talk about over that first date, that first family dinner, the first early-morning conversation after an amazing night of drunk dancing and making out?

What is left when silence fills the air, if you have nothing in common?

Since what you like matters a lot – shouldn’t that be something you consider when you’re looking for a partner? And shouldn’t that be when you finally consider some other options?